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Using Scientific English to Inflate Your Budgetary Requests

Need a little extra money to hire another research assistant? Can't afford to go to that essential conference in Hawaii? Let Scientific English help you make ends meet. Sure every accountant understands why you need the last computer with awesome number crunching power. Look how you describe one: "cpu with 1400 gigabytes of cache memory, cd-rom/dvd, a tertrabyte or two on the hard drive etc." It is no wonder that auditors never question your need for such equipment. What if office supplies and commonplace tools could sound as sexy and as mysterious. Never fear Scientific English is here. Let's examine some run-of-the-mill items as they are described in more technical terms.

Choose the everyday item that means the same thing as the convoluted and overly obtuse Scientific English.

#1: C.W.D.U. Ceramic Waste Dispel Unit

#2: H.I.E. or Helix Implanter/Extractor

#3: B.P.C.F.F. or Bleached & Pressed Cellulose Fiber Foil

#4: O.F.F.C.H. Opaque Fluid Filled Cartridge Holder complete with ball bearing nib

#5: V.R.E.A. Visible Radiation Emitting Apparatus coupled with an amperage flow regulator

#:6 V.R.E.A. Multi-Functional Planar Surface Support with integrated 3D data and storage capacities

Here's a helpful hint; When filling out your expenses make sure that once you have listed an object like V.R.E.A.: Visible Radiation Emitting Apparatus refer to that device henceforth by its initials. This will make your request even less understood by those not in the field (Like financial investigators). If you can get away with it, don't even give a definition of the initials. Use them often and all over.

#:7 Electronic Image Replicator for use with B.P.C.F.F..

#:8 L.C.D.M.S.A.F. Lustrous Convoluted Ductile Metallic Strand Attachment Facilitator

#:9 LRD-32 32 Centimeter long Linear Rectifying Device (Often used in concert with a O.F.F.C.H.)

#:10 Achromatic or Pink Colored Carbon Trace Eliminator for use on B.P.C.F.F..

Just think of how much money you can ask for. I mean how much would you pay for a "Achromatic or Pink Colored Carbon Trace Eliminator"?


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